Listener Question: How to Be a Wife When You Don't Feel Like One
Apr 23, 2024
I did a 1:1 coaching call not long ago, and the woman I was speaking with came up with a podcast idea for me that she'd like to hear more about, so I apologize for the delay in getting this out to you, but I am putting it out here now for you, and you know who you are.
The question that she had was, could I do a podcast on what to do when you don't feel like a wife? Now let me explain a little bit more about the way that I am approaching this topic. She was explaining that there are times where the relationship leaves one feeling like they're not being a really good wife, or they don't want to be a wife, or they don't have the ability, for whatever reason, to be the kind of wife that they would like to be. Like there's some nuance here.
To try to cover the heart of the message, I can't put it exactly the way that she spoke it, but the heart of the message is when I don't feel like I am a wife, how to still be one. How can I show up when stuff isn't right in the marriage? And how can I get invested in something that isn't working for me or that isn't empowering me or that isn't helpful? How do I get there?
What If It's Abuse...
My biggest advice is that you look at your life and your situation if you were in an unhappy marriage, and the first thing is look and see if you're being abused, maybe physically. That's the one people often think of, but also verbally, emotionally, sexually. If you are being abused, find the quickest, safest way to get yourself out of the environment. That may be emotionally out of the environment, that may be physically out of the environment, that may be mentally out of the environment, but you do not deserve to be abused. That's sin on the abuser's part. We don't need to enable sin. So, abuse is something that we need to, in very smart ways, possibly with assistance and planning, figure out how to stop, get away from, get you to safety. That may mean something like a structured separation where you each live in a separate place and have a contract and work towards goals of restoring the marriage, each doing your own healing and the marriage also working in that way.
If your spouse is abusive and unrepentant and you can't talk to them and it's repetitive, it may even mean having those difficult prayers and conversations and making some difficult choices. There are so many women who have been told, just submit more, just pray for him more, just stay and let basically let sin take you out, and I disagree with that. I think God cares a lot more about people and about truth than about the wording of marriage, right? Because if your spouse is repeatedly and unapologetically and uncorrectably abusing you in some way, there really isn't a marriage. Because in marriage, a husband is supposed to be his wife's protector. He's supposed to come alongside her. As my pastor, when my husband and I got married, said that my husband was to be a lowercase "s" savior to me basically in human form, being that safe place as God is representing God in that way.
First, if your spouse is not treating you with love and care, it's time to have a discussion. If you're not ready to have that discussion, it's time to seek counsel. It's definitely time to pray. Then, it's time to make an action plan as to how to improve on this if your husband is willing to work to stop sinning and stop abusing you.
What If It Lacks Fulfillment...
But let's assume that this is not the case you're in. Let's assume that this is simply you don't feel respected, or he doesn't recognize you as important in his life, or you don't seem to have value or currency in this marriage. It's kind of loveless or sexless or whatever. It's just not fulfilling. I want to encourage you first and foremost to try to identify what is actually happening from his place and from your place, taking a realistic no blame, no shame, no guilt, just account of what behaviors he is doing or the things he is saying that are not helpful. Also, what you're doing and you're saying that are not helpful, and then see if any of those can be worked on. Just pick one that would make a good difference in trust and connection and safety and encouragement and whatever it is that you're working towards. Do an honest assessment. It's not all him and it's not all you. There are two people that put good or contamination into a marriage. If you can get realistic, and then what is his?
Discern with the Lord how to approach and ask for your needs to be met, negotiate, get his point of view, respectfully, hear and listen, and then work towards strategy together. But if this is something where he's not willing, is not quite to what would be considered abusive, but he is, you know, chilling you out, not really talking with you, not cooperative, not respectful, whatever it is, then I encourage you to get your encouragement from the Lord and from other women, people who are good encouragers, who can be there for you, who can speak truth into you, who can be the support that you need during this time, and also encourage you to do things that are under the Lord, not unto your husband necessarily.
If it's hard to kind of do acts of service for your husband as a wife, say to the Lord, How can I love the way you would have me to love? How can I show up in ways you would have me to show up? What can I do today that honors and glorifies you in the way I'm living here in these conditions? And, Lord, please help me to find a way through this that honors you. Also please show me the path to get out of this season, because this is really rough.
I hope that's helpful when you can take it into small bits of assessment, reality check it, make a choice and work on it, but work on you and evaluate what's missing. If your husband can't give it to you, get it from somewhere else. And I'm not talking about sex. I'm not talking about, you know, marriage or, you know, dating, relationships outside of marriage or anything like that. I'm simply talking about support, encouragement, understanding, truth. Those things that you need that don't need to be met in a marriage that can be met elsewhere. You can't live in isolation. It's too big a burden to bear. And that's not how God made for us to live. I hope that's helpful!
Free Resources
I want to remind you about the free resources that you can download over mentalhealthforchristianwomen.com. I want you to go there and grab whatever might be helpful for you. We have a self-care scorecard, an anxiety and panic management tip card, a goal setting life audit worksheet, and even a sample thought record that you can download so that you can better and more intentionally manage your thoughts and feelings. So, I hope you'll go over to mentalhealthforchristianwomen.com and download as many of those as you want today.
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