Bonus Episode: Listener Question on How to Set Boundaries with Well-Meaning People
Mar 07, 2024
Crystal: Hi, Michelle. This is crystal. First of all, I want to thank you for all you're doing here for us Christian women. You are definitely appreciated. So, I wanted to say that before I even got into my question. Thank you so very much for everything. And my question is, how do we create healthy boundaries in regard to well-meaning people? Sometimes we have to create those boundaries when it comes to people who don't mean us any good. But there are people who are really genuinely well-meaning but may not realize that they're taking us for granted. Maybe because we're so close or we always say yes and they really mean us well, and they just may not realize. So that's my question. How do we create those healthy boundaries with good, well-meaning people as well? Because well-meaning people, we have to deal with them a little bit different than people who don't mean us any good. So, I just wanted to ask that. So, thank you so much and feel free to post this question to anyone else who may want to answer as well. Bye-bye.
Michelle: So, Crystal asks a great question, and it's great for many reasons, one being she's acknowledging the fact that it can be easier to set boundaries with people that you know are ill intentioned. Right? You're like, I just don't like them, so I'm not going to let them have access to me. I'm going to set a boundary. But when people are nice, we feel often obligated to be kind in return if their motivations aren't wrong. Well, there's a difference between being kind and enabling abuse or allowing sin or encouraging something that's not good and healthy for us. So that's what we're going to talk about.
That's why this is so important, because I think as Christian women, there's a tendency to say, oh, well, they didn't mean that, or, oh, well, I see where they're coming from. It's not really helpful to me. I don't really like it, but I don't want to make waves or maybe I'm making too much of this or maybe I should just pray for them, or they don't mean any harm. So, I'm going to look kind of witchy if I do anything about it. No, that is not the way to look at this.
The way to look at this is that you are responsible for stewarding your life. If something is being brought into your life by somebody else that you do not accept, do not agree with, do not want, is not beneficial, is not something that they have a right to bring to you, then you do not have to accept it. You can still be a kind Christian person and recognize where people are coming from and still set boundaries. That may sound like, oh, thanks, I understand that you're trying to help. That's just not going to work for me. Or you can say, oh, well, I hear you, but I think I'm going to go another direction on this. Or you don't have to say anything, and you can just do what you want to do anyhow. There are all kinds of ways to not entertain things you don't want to entertain without being mean, without accusing somebody of doing anything wrong, without thinking that they're doing something horrible, but it just doesn't work for you. Set a boundary. That's okay. It is totally okay to recognize that their stuff is not your stuff, and you don't need to let it be.
So let me give you an example of this. Let's say that there are kids playing with a bunch of toys, okay? So, there's a bunch of toys out, and there are a bunch of kids playing with these toys, and one kid loves the drum. So, this kid is beating on the drum, and this kid says, play with my drum. Here's my drum, and they put it in front of another kid, and that other kid doesn't like the noise of the drum, doesn't want to play the drum, and says no, and walks away. Is that kid bad? No. Could the person's feelings be hurt? Yeah. The one who wanted to share the drum, the person's feelings could be hurt, but that's not something that belongs to the kid that walked away. The kid that walked away was simply trying to get away from the noise they didn't prefer and from a toy they didn't want to play with.
Now, we can be aware of other people's feelings as adults. It can be easier to be aware that, oh, this might hurt their feelings, but that's not our intent. So, we can still easily walk away or remove ourselves from having to do the thing that the person is bringing to us, whatever they're saying or doing or thinking that we should be engaged in, that we don't want to, or giving us the advice we don't want to take. And we can still do the same thing as the kid who walks away from the drum. Right? This is noise I don't want in my life. This is something I don't want to do. But we might want to couch it with some kind language which says, oh, I'm glad that works for you. And I can understand you wanted to share that with me. I'll consider it if you're going to consider it, or, thanks, there are some reasons that's just not going to work for me, or that's one way to look at it, right?
We don't have to be committal to things that we don't want to commit to. We don't have to appreciate something that we didn't ask for, but we can appreciate the fact that someone cared enough to try to share something with us and acknowledge that instead. Oh, that's kind of you to offer. If I want to take you up on that, I'll get back to you. When setting those boundaries, you can do that with some communication that acknowledges the heart of the person without giving up your choice that says, that's not for me. Whether you tell them that or not depends on the level of relationship you have with that person and how well they'd take it.
One time I had a friend who was asking me to do something, and I really didn't want to. I thought, oh, I could just skirt this. I don't really want to tell them the whole truth about this. Then I thought, wait a minute, they're a good friend. I bet I could tell them the nuances of this. It wasn't like I was going to lie; I just wasn't going to go into all the detail. I thought, well, no, they can handle it, and I just quickly told them kind of the different nuances of why I wasn't going to be able to do something. They were like, I totally get that, and I was like, okay, great, thanks. I actually felt closer to my friend then because they got it, and they were able to handle it.
Some people can handle things like that; some people can't. Some people you will feel comfortable sharing with. Some people you won't to that depth of a level, so you may want to keep things surface level, or you may want to explain a little further if you think that would be helpful to them and you're willing to, but you never have to share information or do anything that is not something that you asked for or something that you want to do or something that will hurt you or harm you in some way. You are not responsible for taking other people's stuff at your own expense.
You can choose to do that at times if that is your choice. For instance, I may choose. When my daughter was in competitive dance, I did not want to have to drive her 40 minutes away twice a week. I chose to put myself on the back burner to do that because I wanted to show up for her that way and provide that for her. That didn't mean she was taking advantage of me. It didn't mean I wanted to drive 40 minutes, two directions twice a week. It did mean that I made a choice that my daughter doing that was more important to me than my own comfort.
It's understanding why you're making the decision. You are taking all the factors into account and deciding for yourself whether this is something that you actually are choosing or something you feel you should do because someone else brought it to you, thinks you should, tries to give you their opinion, forces something on you or whatever. Is this mine? No, this belongs to somebody else. That doesn't mean I have to be mean about it. That doesn't mean I have to assume they have bad motives, because if I know that they're a decent person, but I still need to set boundaries. It means that I can expect people to respect my boundaries, just as I respect other people's boundaries. If you flip the script and you realize that there are times where people have had to tell you no or say something wasn't for them, and you might have had a kind heart or meant well, and that you were okay with them being able to say, just not for me or not at this time, or I look at that differently, and that you were fine, that you could manage your own emotions and deal with that, that might help.
People are responsible for their own stuff. If somebody can't handle their emotions when you say no to them, or when you don't do something just because they want you to or brought it to you. If they can't handle that, that's their issue. They need to be able to deal with their own feelings and disappointment better. If they can handle it, then there's no reason why you can't be honest, and there's no reason why you can't be honest and set boundaries. Even if they can't, you just might want to be wise in how much information you give them about it as you set the boundary for yourself because some people can take information well and some people can't.
Basically, you evaluate the situation and then make your choices, but you never have to do something out of guilt or have-to's, and that's even scriptural. Don't do anything out of guilt or compulsion. You do not have to give out of guilt or compulsion. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. So, if you're not sinning, you're just setting a boundary and saying, that's not something that I'm going to allow into my life. Totally, okay. You can get out of situations through some kind communication that says, I see what you're doing there. I know you don't mean harm, but I'm going to pass this time, or just simply, ah, I see how you're looking at it and then choosing to do something different.
Want to know more about setting boundaries, check out this blog: The Powerful Habits Series, Part 2 -Taking Back Your Power w/ One Word
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